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Things are getting worse in America, friends.
Even in my old home of baseball,
the infidels are invading the holy land, y'all.
Jim Brockmire, paid by George Soros
in the deep-state conspiracy to frame me,
he's out there calling games.
And who is he doing it with?
I'll tell you.
A black homosexual woman
who's never even played real baseball.
Meanwhile, my statue in Atlanta
gets taken down in the middle of the night.
It's enough to make you want to despair for the future.
But, all right, it's opening day,
the time where hope springs eternal.
I get it.
But if y'all are as unhappy as I am,
then I urge you to show up to games today
and let the powers that be know we won't back down.
We will keep baseball pure.
And after that, America. By any means necessary.
- Friends. - Come on.
Your need for attention is not my problem, Randy.
Okay? Let's go.
You're not supposed
- to honk your horn, Mom. - I'm not allowing
- You've been warned. - my day to get hijacked,
and this is my only form of protest.
Can we move it along?
What are you watching?
- Art Newlie. - What?
He's taking down the hypocrisy
of the mainstream media.
Define hypocrisy.
- Exactly. - What?
I don't want you watching...
Kyle, what's on your face?
Are you eating my donuts?
Those were for A.A., Kyle!
Damn. Okay.
Listen to Mommy.
Mommy gets them addicted to sugar and caffeine
instead of drugs and alcohol.
Right? That's how I help them.
So I need the donuts, otherwise they don't come.
And if they don't come,
then they wrap their cars around telephone poles.
You understand what I mean?
You see... Shit. Shit, shit!
Get a bag, baby. Get a bag. Baby, get a...
No!
All right, yep.
Mommy's purse is a bag.
Very good listening, honey.
I'm real proud of you.
Move your ass!
Oh, my god.
My afternoon's free
if you want to try for round three.
I think you mean round two, don't you?
You don't remember that time in the middle of the night?
No... oh, no. I'm a sleep fucker.
No, I do some of my best dick work
in a dream state.
Huh.
I just thought you were doing very specific
tugboat role play.
No, that'd be weird.
Yeah. I'll see you after the game.
Good luck in Tampa.
You guys are going to kill it.
Bye, Gabs!
Bye, Sauce Bitch!
Well, I have not felt this good since...
ever.
I'm finally in a healthy adult relationship.
It's opening day.
God it's my favorite day of the year.
And my nightmare about ramming a tugboat
into the Panama Canal
finally makes a whole lot more sense.
I mean, everything is coming up Brockmire over here.
Oh, hold that thought.
Maggie probably forgot something.
Hey...
Jean.
You come back... you came back to forgive me?
My goodness, and on my first day back in the bigs.
And I thought this day couldn't get any better!
Yeah, well, it's about to get a hell of a lot worse.
I haven't forgiven you.
And I couldn't give a shit about your comeback.
Gabby reached out and asked me to come down.
Tomorrow I asked you to come,
because I said today was a very big day for both of us.
Yeah, but tomorrow's not good for me.
It's grad night at Disney World,
and I would rather not be surrounded
by a bunch of teenagers fingering each other
on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Bad news is, I have to go by myself.
Sam couldn't get the time off work,
and Norm won't go back
because he was traumatized at the Haunted Mansion
on account of his sensitivity to the paranormal.
What the hell are you talking about?
- What is going on? - All right.
I guess we're doing this now.
Uh, Jim,
there's something that you need to hear.
And I thought having Jean here would soften the blow.
Did Mom die?
Oh, no, are you dying?
Oh, shit. I'm dying.
No, dumbass.
Jules is engaged.
- What? - Yeah, she, uh,
made it Instagram official yesterday.
Oh, my god.
How did you see this?
I follow her.
At first I was just curious
'cause you were always going on about her,
but now I really like what she does.
Right? She's like the Busy Phillips of baseball.
Jules and George Brett are getting married.
My goodness.
Well,
Jean, I know you don't forgive me, but
flying all the way here to help break this news...
that, uh, that means a lot.
I'm still mad at you,
but your sobriety is important to me.
Every time your shit hits the fan,
you get on a mic,
fling it back out at the rest of us,
and go on a bender.
I don't want that to happen.
So please, don't do anything crazy.
Well, would you looky here?
It's the weird spot where we first kissed;
where it all began for both of us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Get your hand out of your pocket.
Put your hands where I can see 'em!
Maggie, I realize it's not fair
to ask you to move to Oakland
without some kind of a commitment.
Move to Oakland?
Jim...
You literally know nothing about me
except for what my vagina tastes like.
Well, at this point in your cycle
with the Moon waning like it is,
- it tastes... - No, no, no, no, no.
I don't actually want to know.
No, that would make me self-conscious.
Well, it shouldn't,
because I want to taste it for the rest of my life.
Jeez Louise!
That is much bigger than I expected.
Yeah, it turns out not having a cocaine problem
is just a great way to save money.
Maggie, I know I know we haven't
known each other long, but...
I feel that what we have is just so special.
What's my middle name?
Now, that is a stumper,
considering I don't even know your last name.
What is your last name?
Okay.
- You can get up. - Oh, really?
- Yeah. - Okay.
I know why you're doing this.
- I follow Jules on Instagram. - No, no, no, no, no.
At first, it was just some light stalking
to convince myself that she was terrible, but...
then it just made me feel better that I was with someone
who dated someone that cool.
Well, is she... why is she cool? Seriously?
Because she's engaged to a baseball legend
and she travels around the country
putting on special events at.
Well, actually, I can see why this is all
pretty good on Instagram. I can.
I've had a really good time, but that's all this is.
I don't want anything more.
I'm actually leaving Florida,
- in a little while. - What?
Yeah, Matt the Bat left me all
of his frequent flyer miles when he died.
We used to talk about how I really wanted to go to Japan.
So I'm flying there in a couple of weeks.
And then from there, who knows?
He left you his miles?
All I got was to hold his hand when he died
and some expired Dunkaroos.
I'm sorry, it was not my plan to do this
before your first game back.
- Are you going to be okay? - Yeah. Sure.
Oh, God damn it.
Sorry.
I just realized we have to pedal
all the way back to the rental shop
against the wind, so...
This is about to be the most awkward 20 minutes
that I've ever sweated my way through.
How about you?
- Yeah, it's up there. - Yeah, right?
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
- That actually hurts. - So tough.
Hey, beta cuck!
That's alpha cuck to you.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Almost constantly...
- Who are you guys? - We're the protest.
- What are you protesting? - Your existence.
Everything old is Newlie again!
Well, I was just accosted by
the Hitler Youth lacrosse team out there.
What is happening?
Art Newlie has declared war on us
and baseball.
- What? - Where have you been?
Even for Florida that's a lot of loose sweat.
In a moment of panic, I proposed to Maggie.
At which point she promptly broke up with me
and announced that she was leaving the country.
Other than that, though, it went real good.
Jesus, Jim, that is exactly what I was afraid of.
Thank you, Jean. Okay. how close to the edge are you?
Pretty close. Fairly shaky here.
I'll muddle through. I'll be all right.
I just... I need for everything to just
calm down for a second.
Bad news.
King Venom Vape Cartridge has pulled their sponsorship.
- What? - Turns out that Big Vape
are huge Art Newlie supporters.
The key demographic are angry young white males.
Look, we don't care what some shitty vape company thinks,
because the organization has our back.
Okay, that... that... that's another thing.
Word has come down from the top that
they don't want Gabby to do the count for you anymore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
Th-they think that it shows an emasculating behavior
that they want to avoid, what with all this Newlie heat.
That's what they said?
No; what they said was,
"bitch-ass behavior,"
but I knew what they were talking about
because I put together the contextual clues.
Do they want me to have an anxiety attack on the air?
I mean, is that what... Is that what they're hoping...
Shit.
- Ooh. - What, do you gotta puke?
Okay, what size bucket do you want?
I think all we have are medium.
Oh, please be quiet,
because the sound of your voice is so bad.
Okay, okay. Um...
Are you there, Baseball God?
It's me. It's Jim Brockmire.
Um, if you exist, which you probably don't,
could you please, please grant me a respite
from this tornado of shit
that I find myself in?
God, it's like I can even smell it.
So can I, what...
Oh, Jim, your jacket.
Ah, jeez. Th-there's poop on your jacket.
Oh, my god!
Oh, god!
What is that, an N?
What is that for, neo-goddamn-Nazi?
I think it's for Newlie!
It's for Newlie.
I think it's for Newlie.
Do you believe this? Huh?
I wish I could tell you this was the first time
somebody threw shit on me. But the good news is,
I know exactly how to get it out.
The key is to get the shit hard
so you can just scrape it off.
Now, I doubt very highly
you have a blast chiller in here,
so you'll just have to use a blow dryer set on cool, okay?
Once the shit is hard,
you take a horse bristle brush
and you swipe up, okay?
Firm, swift motions with the grain.
That's really important. With the grain.
Okay, please be careful with this thing.
It means the world to me.
My blood, sweat, and tears are in this jacket.
Also a fair amount of my semen.
Probably clone, like, three dozen mes
with the bodily fluid in that bad boy.
So with the grain, okay?
With the grain!
Hey, hey. Is everything okay?
Yeah, sometimes I just find it
a little bit hard to be around them.
- Yeah, Newlie fans? - Nope, the people of Tampa.
Just a swarm of red-faced vulgarians
parading around in their flip-flops.
It's just disgusting.
Seeing somebody's foot should be a consensual act.
Look at all of 'em out there.
I swear to god, Florida popped a cyst one day
and they called it Tampa. Tampa.
Jim, I think you've wandered into a dark place.
- Yeah, how so? - I got good news.
Oakland found a replacement sponsor,
and it's a big one.
- Who is it? - The Bourbon Group.
- Is that a brand? - It's all the brands.
Yeah, you know, they got together as a council, and,
you know, just like the milk people.
Except they're promoting the concept of bourbon.
"Bourbon."
"That sweet, delicious friend"
"who's always there for you."
"In light times, in dark times,"
"it's always bourbon time."
Really? "Dark times"?
They're leveraging our
pre-apocalyptic present to sell bourbon?
Seriously, what kind of a horrible monster
would suggest that brown liquor
is the answer to life's problems?
Oh my God, look at you.
- You're salivating. - No, I'm not.
- Shut up. Leave me alone. - Yes, you are.
You look like a goddamn cartoon dog imagining a T-bone.
You need to call someone.
Have you tried Jean? Shirley?
Yes. Nobody's getting back to me.
Whoa.
Oh, thank God. Speak of the devil.
George Brett.
Oh, he wants me to be an usher at his wedding.
Isn't that delightful?
He marries the love of my life
doesn't have the decency to ask me to officiate
the goddamn ceremony!
Okay, you need to go find his jacket ASAP.
I'm on it.
Okay.
Um, just take some deep breaths, all right?
You got me through a dark time.
I'm gonna get you through yours.
So just keep breathing.
Okay. Bad news.
They lost your jacket.
Good news is, they're pretty sure they can find it
in the next three to five business days.
In other news, you are a useless piece of shit!
- Whoa, hey, Jim! - Jim, Jim, Jim!
For once, this is not Gus's fault.
Okay, and I know it's important to you,
but it is just a jacket. You don't need it.
I know I don't need it. I know I don't need it!
It's not Dumbo's feather, is it?
It's my... my voice was inside me all along.
I'm livid
because no matter how much hard work I do on myself,
I keep on being tested, Gab.
I keep being punished.
No end in sight to this shit!
I'm going for a walk.
Oh, no! The game is in 40 minutes.
You want me to breathe.
I'm gonna go breathe. I need air!
I'm gonna go for a walk!
Shit.
Told 'em once!
Nazis!
Ha!
Shit!
Shit.
It's been a day.
Jesus Christ.
Look, I just can't pretend
that this world isn't on fire anymore.
So I might as well enjoy
the one thing in life that gives me comfort.
You know, Shirley, it's funny.
You're always trying to get me to find my higher power, right?
I don't think I ever truly felt its presence
until right now.
Because, no, in this moment,
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be,
doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.
Okay, and all the bad stuff
that happened to me today that drove me to this bar
has served its purpose.
Because I was meant to be here to help you right now.
I mean, come on.
What are the chances that you end up in a bar
directly across the street from the stadium
where I'm calling a ball game today?
Well, I'm in Tampa because my son
got arrested for protesting you.
I came here to pick him up and then...
kind of just followed myself here instead.
Sometimes a coincidence is just more proof of chaos.
Oh, come on.
My kid's an asshole.
Yeah, and it's all my fault, so...
I didn't get sober till he was seven,
and he's never gonna forgive me for that.
Shirley, he's 15. Yeah?
- Yeah. - He's not 50.
Not gonna be like this forever.
Oh, that's true.
He could get worse.
Well, not with you as a mother, he won't.
Are you kidding me?
I'm a middle-aged telemarketer
whose greatest achievement in life was sobriety.
I think my point can best be conveyed
through a story about my pet tortoise, Clemenza.
This living fossil from dinosaur times,
who himself was born before the combustion engine,
has somehow managed to survive into the 21st century.
Every single day that I've lived with Clem,
he tries to get himself up onto my couch.
"And I always tell him," Clem,
"it's just... it's not gonna happen for you.
It's impossible."
But all he knows how to do
is just keep on moving forward.
It doesn't matter the obstacle.
One day, I walked in,
and against all logic, there he was.
He was up on the fucking couch.
He just kept going until he got up there.
- Huh. - Look.
Here's what I'm trying to tell you.
I understand your hopelessness.
I mean, right now this country feels like
the lobby of the Overlook Hotel
just moments before the elevator opens
and we're all drowned in blood.
But the only way we make things better is to try.
Point is,
there's no such thing as a pointless struggle.
Because it's what we struggle for
and against that defines us.
Now, come on. Let's go to a ball game.
- No... No. - This is gonna be fun.
'Cause I'm gonna introduce you to the Baseball God.
- Okay. - Come on.
- Here we go. - All right.
Okay.
Easy. All right, okay.
Just hang in there.
Oh, my god, Jean. You came!
I was on my favorite ride
strategizing my next fast pass, when it hit me:
It is a small world after all.
We need to look out for each other.
That's the point of this whole thing.
Boy, I wish you hadn't had that realization
on a vaguely racist puppet boat tour.
But I'll take what I can get, Jean.
And, boy, I love you.
God damn it. I love you too, Brother.
Um, oh! Uh, this is Shirley.
This is my... this is my sponsor,
It's nice to meet you.
Well, that explains a lot.
You look like you could use a cup of coffee and a donut.
Oh my god, yes.
Yeah, here. Let's go, baby.
- Oh, god bless you, Jean. - Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you. - Here we go.
Hey. You can't leave like that.
We're a team. I can't do this by myself.
Neither can I. I am so sorry.
I want you to know that in my
darkest, darkest moments just now,
it was your words about a higher power
that came to me when everything was just blackness.
Well, where did you go?
I went to a bar. Ah!
The only thing I imbibed was the joy of service.
Now, you ready to call a ball game?
I have been ready all day.
- Well, let's do it. - Guys, guys, guys.
Oh, what now, Gus?
Newlie's fans have "swatted"
half the baseball stadiums.
- Swatted? - Yeah.
All of the West Coast games have been cancelled.
Major League Baseball wants you to read a statement about it.
- This is bullshit. - No, no, no.
- We'll read it. - What?
- We'll read it. - Wait, I'm sorry.
What are you... what are you talking about?
We'll read the weak-tea statement,
and then we'll say just a little bit more.
Okay, but what about the count?
You know, at this point, I'm just gonna
"keep it Brockmire" and hope for the best.
- Has that ever worked? - Well,
there's a first time for everything, isn't there?
All right.
118 years of baseball history.
50 seasons personifying the grit and greatness of Oakland.
One team.
Your 2019.
Oakland baseball season begins now.
Welcome, everybody, to Opening day
here in Tampa...
Florida's most Floridian city...
where Oakland opens up the 2019 season.
I am Jim Brockmire.
I'm joined by my partner, Gabby Taylor,
on this uniquely somber first day of the season.
As many of you know, five games were canceled today,
and the MLB has asked us to read
the following statement.
_
Boy... baseball's really taking the brave stance
against improper emergency service calls.
- Aren't they? - Yeah, it certainly is
a whole lot of words kind of
strung together in a row, Jim.
It certainly is, but...
You know, as the focus of today's
hateful fear-mongering,
Gabby and I would like to say just a few more words.
- Gabby? - Thanks, Jim.
You know, I'm about to bring a child into a world
where men like Art Newlie seem to have their voice
and power just amplified by the minute.
He and his followers don't want me in baseball.
Or America.
But... people like me have always been in this game
and this country.
I'm gonna raise this baby to be a baseball fan,
because this is my game.
You're goddamn right it is.
You know, folks, my mama always said that
nothing in this life matters.
And on days like this,
when it seems that stupidity and ignorance
are the only things being rewarded,
it's easy to feel like she is exactly right.
But I believe that we create our own meaning in this world.
And out there, on that diamond,
that is a world that has meaning.
Fairness, patience, community,
the knowledge that we're a part of a team
even when we're by ourselves.
These are the core tenets of baseball.
They're the ones I fight for
inside and outside of this game.
Folks, baseball endures.
It's a relic of a bygone era that,
well, it wasn't even a particularly good one.
But its continued existence is a lesson to us all
that we too can make it out of these...
these dark times.
Well said, Jim.
Stay tuned for the first pitch when we return.
And we're clear.
I want you to be this kid's godfather.
Are you kidding me?
Gabby, that is all I have wanted.
Well, that means that if you die...
Oh, no. It's not legally binding.
If I die, the baby goes to my mother.
And if she dies, the baby goes to the state.
Right, but if the state dies
and California becomes this apocalyptic wasteland...
Oh, yeah, then you need to take custody of my child
and escort them through the end of times
like a Cormac McCarthy novel.
That's actually a lot of responsibility.
'Cause the way things are going,
there's a 15% chance of that happening in our lifetime.
- You ready? - Mm-hmm.
Here we go.
Welcome back, folks, as we turn our attention
to what's actually going on out there on the ball field.
19-year-old phenom Danny Carney
making his Major League debut
on the mound out there for Tampa
as Lewis settles into the box for Oakland.
And here comes the opening pitch
of the 2019 season.
It is a fastball high.
1 and 0.
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